What is family conflict?

Conflict is a natural part of family life, just like joining in singing ‘Happy birthday’, trying to stay on top of stacks of laundry and queuing for the shower. This is especially true for families with teens all living under one roof. But if they’re not well handled, everyday disagreements can snowball into grudges, silent treatment, ongoing criticism, name-calling and even physical aggression.

This article will help you to spot common causes of family conflict and give you the tools you need to successfully manage it, so that everyone stays loving and safe. 

Why does family conflict happen?

If you’ve noticed there’s more fighting at home, it’s helpful to recognise the triggers. These might include:

• teens feeling big emotions

• adolescents flexing their independence and voicing opinions that differ from yours

• the arrival of new babies, causing siblings to fight for more attention

• family separation and/or new partners entering the picture

• financial stress

• sibling rivalry

• battles over screen-time limits

• arguments over personal space or possessions

• pushback because of behavioural or discipline issues.

How does family conflict impact young people?

Conflict is tough on the whole family, but young people can be especially affected. Whether it’s parents or carers or other family members arguing, kids can feel anxious about needing to ‘pick a side’. If conflict continues for a long time, young people can suffer lasting psychological damage, which affects their behaviour.

Young people may react to conflict by:

• acting out (e.g. slamming doors, swearing, and refusing to do chores)

• hiding out in their room

• finding school overwhelming

• showing signs of depression, like feeling hopeless

• avoiding family and friends

• crying more than normal

• worrying constantly

• feeling physical symptoms like stomach aches or a racing heart

• doing risky things like abusing alcohol or drugs

• eating or sleeping noticeably more or less 

• copying the physical aggression they see around them.

How to manage conflict in your family

It might sound illogical, but well-managed conflict can be constructive and even improve family relationships. It’s a chance to build communication skills and resilience, as each family member learns to express their viewpoint.

Patching up conflict with your teen

Try these steps:

• Sit down for a chat. Timing is everything. Pick a moment when you and your teen are calm and rested, mute your phones and check in with them.

• Listen actively. Empathising with your teen’s point of view shows you respect them. Try saying things like: ‘I hear you’ or ‘I can see your point.’ 

• Own your mistakes. If you’ve said hurtful things to your teen, apologise to them. Avoid blaming anyone for past conflicts and don’t take criticism personally – even though this is hard! You’ll be demonstrating an important life skill to your teen.

• Make a plan. Once you’ve heard your teen’s side without interrupting them, ask them to listen to your take on the situation – also without interrupting. Keep your language neutral and explain your reasons for doing or saying what you did or said that resulted in the conflict. Try to come to an agreement with your teen on how you’ll both handle things better next time.

How to avoid future blow-ups

• Organise regular family meetings. Bring everyone together – perhaps over pizza or snacks – to connect and talk out any problems in the household.

• Write out a family contract. Outline expectations for how you should treat one another – for example, ‘no shouting or name-calling’. Ask everyone to sign the ‘contract’ and stick it up somewhere visible like the fridge door.

• Set clear boundaries. Everyone in the family should know what’s expected and the consequences of breaking these rules.

• Agree to disagree. Be open to compromise, rather than trying to persuade the other person that you’re right.

• Find a way to bond. Start a new family ritual to bring you all together for some fun. It might be a gaming night or everyone pitching in to cook a favourite dinner.

Watch this video for tips from psychologist Clare Rowe on how to put the brakes on future conflict.

Video transcript.

All families are constantly figuring out how to live with one another as each member’s needs and responsibilities change. It’s never going to be roses all the time, but learning to control conflict in a healthy way is a skill that will help each family member in their relationships outside the family for the rest of their life.