Low self-esteem in teenagers

For teens, low self-esteem can make life feel harder. It’s like a loud inner critic that dominates how they think, feel and act every day, stopping them from trying new things, making new friends or believing in themselves. The good news is there are steps you can take to help build your teenager’s self-esteem.

Understand the causes

Teens are growing fast and going through big changes. Hormonal shifts can make them feel embarrassed – and even betrayed – by their changing bodies, voices and moods. Other causes of low self-worth include:

• unsupportive parents or carers, or other influential people in their lives

• friends and bullies who knock their confidence

• comparisons to ‘perfect’ bodies and lifestyles on social media

• trauma or abuse

• stressful events like moving house or family separation

• mental health issues like depression and anxiety.

Does my teen have low self-esteem?

You might not notice that your teen has self-esteem issues because they hide it so well. Teens have grown up with social media and can be skilled at presenting a confident face, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect how they feel inside. 

Having self-esteem issues means there’s a mismatch between how they see themselves and how others see them. This can be why some teens deflect compliments or downplay their achievements: they don’t feel they can live up to them.

Signs of low self-esteem can show up in different ways but include:

• using negative self-talk or comparing themselves unfavourably to others

• feeling unloved and unwanted

• stooping, murmuring and fearing attention

• becoming easily frustrated and demotivated

• blaming others for problems

• showing off or being aggressive.

If your teen’s self-esteem issues aren’t dealt with, they can lead to problems with their relationships. Low self-esteem might make them feel they only deserve to be treated badly by others. Young people with low self-worth are more likely to use alcohol and drugs to mask their lack of confidence, and they may be more likely to participate in sexual experiences that leave them feeling vulnerable or exploited.

Build positive self-esteem with loving attention

Positive self-esteem is a bit like an anchor: it keeps young people steady through all the changes they’re going through and guides their decisions. Their self-esteem comes from a few things, including:

• knowing they’re loved and that they belong

• feeling confident about the future

• achieving goals and being acknowledged

• being praised for their skills or efforts (especially regarding things they care about).

It might not always be obvious, but what you say to your teen about them tends to affect them deeply. Focus your attention on their values – kindness, bravery, resilience – rather than their appearance, sporting achievements or exam results. 

Challenge negative self-talk

Encourage your teen to write out positive statements about themselves (affirmations) and stick them next to their mirror. It sounds cheesy, but making it a habit to read these aloud every day can become a powerful way to cancel out negative self-talk. 

‘For this to be helpful, it’s important to use realistic positive statements,’ says psychologist Linda Williams. ‘Responding to thoughts like “I’m stupid” with “I’m amazing” is less likely to work than choosing a specific positive like “I’m a good listener”.’

Linda also suggests helping teens to think about what they’d say to a friend or younger relative who’s struggling. ‘Your teen may be being much harsher towards themselves than they would be towards anyone else. If they can recognise this, they might find it easier to come up with encouraging things they can say to themselves.’

If all of this feels too much like homework to your teen, ask them if they have other ideas on what they might find helpful when they’re feeling low. It could be spending time with people who make them feel good about themselves, talking to someone, or doing a favourite activity. ‘If they’re involved in deciding what option to try, they may be more willing to give things a go,’ says Linda.

Share resources from the ReachOut Youth site, like tips for improving self-confidence, tricks for challenging negative thinking and a guide to identifying your teen’s strengths.

Ways to praise your teenager that really land

• Be real. Teens can spot a phony compliment a mile off, so be casual but sincere. It will feel better for both of you and build your teen’s trust in what you say. Less of ‘You’re a genius!’, and more of ‘I like how you dealt with that situation. It showed real maturity.’

• Be specific. If they help out, go beyond just saying ‘thanks’ and name the character trait you want to reinforce: ‘Helping your sister was really kind.’ 

• Praise actions, not outcomes. Teens aren’t known for being perfectionists at doing chores, for example. So, recognise the effort, not the result. Same for schoolwork: celebrate their dedication, not their mark.

• Don’t forget to acknowledge their decisions. Often, the praiseworthy thing isn’t something your teen did, but something they chose not to do. You might say something like, ‘I admire the way you turned down that party invite because you knew Zack’s parents were going to be away and didn’t think it was a good idea.’

• Do it often. Regular feedback reassures your teen that they’re on the right track and reinforces your bond. 

How to avoid parenting traps

• Avoid making negative comments. Instead, redirect your teen towards doing better next time.

• Don’t compare them with their siblings or peers. It might seem like a fair comparison, but everyone has unique circumstances, even within one family.

• Never yell, name-call or do unkind impressions. If you’ve heard yourself doing any of these, it’s probably a sign you’re burned out and might need extra support.

• Resist making threats. Instead of threatening to punish your teen for something they’ve done or not done, remind them of the consequences of that behaviour that you both already agreed to.

• Forgive their mistakes. Suggest some alternative choices for next time, then move on.

• Skip the silent treatment. Sulking is a form of passive aggression.

• Don’t shut them out. Even if you reject their bad behaviour, don’t reject them. Implying they’re not welcome in the family can be very damaging to your teen’s self-esteem.

A few extra tips

• Meet them where they are. If they find face-to-face chats uncomfortable, try texting. It might help them to open up about their feelings. 

• Be curious about how they see the situation. Listen carefully to what they have to say, show gentle concern and resist the urge to jump in with a ‘fix’. 

• Try not to panic. Your teen’s self-esteem issues are probably temporary, but be patient. Give the positive self-talk enough time to become a habit.

• Teach by doing. Model self-assurance and don’t accept less than you deserve. Your teen will take note. 

• Help them to find supports. If you’re worried about your teen’s self-confidence, suggest they speak to a trained professional, like their school counsellor or a peer worker through ReachOut PeerChat.

Be kind to yourself

If your teen is feeling down on themselves, they can sometimes vent to you. This is a sign of trust, but it can drain your batteries pretty quickly. To best help your teen, you need to be in a healthy state yourself, so make time to do whatever helps you feel emotionally sturdy. 

Practising self-care is a way to show yourself that you matter, which is at the core of healthy self-esteem. Finally, go easy on yourself if you feel you haven’t always been the perfect parent to your teen. Learn to turn down the volume on your own inner critic and set yourself goals to be more supportive in small ways every day.