Prepare for your teenager being sexually active

By ReachOut Content Team
Published 24 November 2023

Ask a parent how they feel about the idea of their teen having sex and they might be tempted to plug their ears, laugh or even scream. It’s a topic that can bring up embarrassment, worry or even past trauma. These are all normal reactions, considering that it probably feels like you were teaching your child how to tie their shoelaces just a few years ago. 

Denial and scare tactics won’t stop your teen from experimenting with sex. Almost a third of young people in Australia report having had sex by the age of 16–17. Coming at the subject from a ‘sex-positive’ angle eliminates the shame and judgement that often surround it. By embracing the role of a sex-positive parent, you can ensure that your teen will be in a better mindset for your messages to hit home. 

Here’s our guide to having open, supportive conversations about sex with your teen so that they can make healthy, safe and informed decisions. 

What is ‘sex positivity’?

Being ‘sex positive’ is believing that sex is a natural and good part of life. A positive approach to sex covers more than physical acts – it’s also about respectful relationships. It prioritises consent, safer sex, and everyone’s right to make their own choices about their sexuality. For parents, it means coming at conversations from an affirming point of view. This will let your teen know you’re a safe person to talk to, regardless of their sexual identity or experiences.

Topics you’ll need to cover

Set a time for a first one-on-one talk with your teen so they don’t feel ambushed. Consider their age, whether they already have a romantic partner, and their preferred way of taking in information – for example, if they’re neurodivergent, they may prefer visual stories or lists. (See our tips for supporting a neurodivergent teen.) Sometimes it’s easier to talk about sensitive topics if you don’t have to make eye contact, say while doing the dishes together or going for a drive – whatever makes your teen more comfortable.

Topics for younger teenagers include:

  • puberty and changes to their body

  • how babies happen

  • different types of relationships and sexual identities.

Topics for older teens include:

Every family has its own values, cultural traditions or religious practices, and these will shape the conversations you have with your teenager. But whatever your background, the priority is to help your teen and their partner stay healthy and safe. Here are some resources that might help: 

10 steps to talking to your teen about sex

  1. Prepare with research. Refresh your own knowledge so you’re ready for questions. The is a great start.

  2. Think about your own first sexual experiences. Did you feel safe and supported? Is there anything you wish you’d known? This will help you decide what to say to your teen.

  3. Admit if it’s awkward! This shows you’re being honest and can put your teen at ease. You could start by saying, ‘This might feel a little awkward for both of us, but it's important.’

  4. Start with what they know. Ask your teen if there’s anything they’re confused about that you can clear up. They’ve likely picked up snippets from friends or online, and this is a chance to myth-bust. If they won’t say, try chatting about a sex-related TV show plot or online post and ask, ‘What do you reckon your friends would think about that?’

  5. Share your values and worries with them. Speak in a calm manner. This can be hard if you’re talking about something that has traumatised or shamed you, but it shows your teen that the subject can be talked about in an objective, level-headed way.

  6. Use the correct words for things. Clear language is best, to avoid confusion – for example: ‘penis’, ‘vagina’, ‘orgasm’, ‘oral sex’. Try to be inclusive: ‘partner’, instead of ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’. Here’s a glossary of preferred trans and intersex terms. If your teen tells you they’re sexually or gender diverse, thank them for their bravery and trust, and assure them you’ll be their fiercest defender. 

  7. Answer any questions. Reassure them: ‘That’s a great question!’ If you don’t know the answer, research it together – it’s a good chance to show them how to find reliable info online.

  8. Share resources. Your teen can then find answers on their own whenever they need them. Sex Education Australia lists loads of helpful websites in its directory, and ReachOut has a dedicated hub for youth resources on sex.

  9. Ask for feedback. Was there anything you could have explained better? Did you give the impression that you disapprove of something? When can you talk again? View this as an ongoing dialogue, not a one-off chat.

  10. Look after yourself. If you need support, you can chat to a GP, counsellor or organisations like 1800RESPECT.

A safe sex checklist for teens

  • Sort out the right contraception. (A GP or a sexual health clinic can help.)

  • Have a sexual health check (if already sexually active – it’s quick and easy).

  • Before things become intimate with a partner, discuss with them what you both like or don’t like.

  • Get clear, enthusiastic verbal agreement to everything, and stop whenever a partner says ‘stop’.

  • Use condoms (including for oral sex).

  • Never share nude pics or racy texts with friends or others.

Talking to your teen about sex from a positive, fear-free angle will tie in with the other values you’re trying to plant in them, like respectful communication, setting and respecting boundaries, and good hygiene and self-care. The main takeaway for your teen should be that sex is an important subject and one they can continue to talk honestly with you about without fearing you’ll judge them.

While many parents worry that talking to their teen about sex will make them more likely to have sex earlier, evidence shows it actually empowers teens to resist peer pressure and to make good choices. This makes it more likely that their first sexual experience will be a safe and positive one.

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