Parenting a neurodivergent teen as a neurodivergent parent

Parenting is hard. Parenting when neurodivergence is involved is very hard. Managing your own neurodivergence alongside that of your teen? Well, that’s neurodivergence squared! 

The highs are amazing, the lows are crushing, and it can feel like there’s nothing in between. And that’s even before breakfast. This article is designed to provide you with authentic and empathic advice, clarity, support and, hopefully, a good dose of camaraderie that can only come from someone with the lived experience of having been there themselves.

What is it like parenting a neurodivergent teen when you’re neurodivergent yourself?

The unspoken question here really is: What do I do if my needs and my teen’s needs clash? 

The true experience of parenting a neurodivergent teen when you’re neurodivergent yourself sits between the response you give to meet your teen’s needs and how to ensure that your own needs are supported as well. 

The fact that you can relate to your teen’s needs means your first emotional response will likely be empathy. Sharing your own experiences with them might come next, but this can be hit-or-miss. Maybe they’ll enjoy hearing about that time in Year 9 and how you were just like them. Other times, it’s the last thing they want to hear. Similarities in communication style can generally save a cringeworthy tale, but sometimes what you say and what is heard are two different things. 

But here’s the kicker: you’re not immune to any of this. You also might have a low tolerance for noise, need silence, get overwhelmed, or don’t always have the capacity for empathy or compassion (even when you know it’s needed). You probably also experience this reduced capacity at the same time as your child, but seeing as you’re the adult, you’ve probably kept going, even when you don’t have much to give.

Home is likely the place where the exhaustion of masking and of complying with neurotypical norms can be minimised – for you and your teen. You might be coming home from a day of masking and managing sensory overload at work, at the same moment your teen walks through the door in the same state. 

And yet your job is still to be the external ‘executive function’ that keeps the household running. The role of a parent doesn’t change in this situation, but the effort required to do basic parenting can be much higher when you’re neurodivergent. You’re working with fewer or less-consistently available resources than a neurotypical parent of a neurotypical teen.

It’s easy to describe the difficulties of neurodivergence squared, but it has its advantages, too. You absolutely understand what your teen is experiencing. You know what could make their life easier, more accessible, less distressing. Modern problems call for modern solutions, and your experience of running the alpha test as a teen yourself gives your child a real advantage.

Is it common to be diagnosed after your teen?

Being diagnosed as neurodivergent after your teen has been diagnosed is more common than you might think. In my clinic, I’ve assessed quite a few parents after I had the pleasure of assessing their child. Sometimes this is the catalyst they needed to finally embark on their own journey of self-discovery. Even those parents who are already identified as neurodivergent speak about wanting their child to avoid the hardships they endured when younger. They can deeply relate to the difficulties their children may be having with learning, emotional regulation or friendships. 

Those who pursue assessment following their child’s diagnosis seem to draw courage from watching their child participate in the process and seeing the tangible, realistic and practical results. They kind of want this for themselves as well. Assessment in the adult years is also about healing the inner child.

In addition, there has been a huge cultural shift in how society views autism and ADHD. Greater awareness has brought greater acceptance, including self-acceptance. One major factor is the changes made to how autism and ADHD can be diagnosed. Given you’re parenting teenagers now, the diagnostic landscape is vastly different today from how it was when you were a kid. The traits and behaviours you recognise now were always there, but they just weren’t being looked for. 

What are the unique strengths of being a neurodivergent parent?

The unique strengths of being a neurodivergent parent are significant:

• You have a deep understanding of and empathy for your child’s experience with school, friendships, the demands of study, and so on. 

• Your self-acceptance in terms of how your unique brain works is modelled for your child, leading them to develop their own self-compassion and self-acceptance.

• Your heightened intuition and empathy enable you to predict or pre-empt your child’s overwhelm by detecting subtle shifts in their mood. 

• You understand the importance of maintaining a sensory-friendly environment.

• You know when to push and when to back off. 

• You don’t hesitate to advocate for additional support at school, or to challenge incorrect assumptions about your child’s achievements, participation, or broader differences and difficulties.

• You might have a knack for tackling parenting issues using creativity and/or unconventional thinking. Neurodivergent people are usually lateral thinkers and can come up with creative solutions to tricky problems. 

• Most importantly, you accept your child for who they are and for the joy they bring, not for how closely their traits and behaviours conform to a neurotypical standard.

How do ADHD, autism and other conditions play out in the parent–teen relationship?

Let’s start with some facts. First, neurodivergence isn’t one entity, but many different neurotypes. This includes autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, OCD, Tourette syndrome and intellectual disability, among others.  

Second, not all neurodivergent people are the same. 

And third, no two people with the same neurodivergent conditions have the exact same traits or behave in the exact same way. 

When your neurotype matches your teen’s, there’s real compatibility through shared experiences, understanding of sensory or communication needs, reduced pressure to mask, and maybe shared spontaneity and creativity. But similarities can also create friction through having competing sensory or executive functioning needs, shared rigidity or time blindness, and the fallout from forgotten commitments. 

When your neurotype differs from your teen’s, different challenges emerge. For example, the contrast between autism and ADHD can be an ongoing source of tension if it’s not understood. And if you both have AuDHD? The brilliance of understanding each other can at times be offset by the intensity of setting each other off!

Parent–teen conflict is universal. When both parties are neurodivergent, with similar or different combinations of neurotype, it can certainly make for interesting times.

How do I manage co-regulation when we’re both dysregulated?

We know that neurodivergent parenting has a unique strengths-based skill-set, particularly in terms of empathy and understanding. But empathy and understanding can only be accessed if you’re in a regulated state.

The standard advice is that you need to be regulated to co-regulate your child. But what happens when you also rely on co-regulation to soothe your own nervous system? What does it look like when there’s no regulated adult in the room?

Here are three steps to help defuse things before they escalate.

Step 1: Recognise your own signs

Look for things like:

• rapid breathing

• muscle tension

• sensory sensitivity – lights are too bright, noises are annoying

• the overwhelming need to find a solution

• not feeling heard/listened to

• catastrophising

• needing immediate compliance.

If you can, also notice what your teen is doing. This isn’t crucial to the process, but it might give you useful information about what’s about to go down. Notice if they’re:

• shutting down

• refusing to comply

• withdrawing

• arguing/shouting

• physically blocking sensory stimuli.

If you recognise any of these signs, it’s a good idea to re-evaluate the situation.

Step 2: Reduce demands 

Once you’ve recognised the signs, here are some ways to pull back:

• Tell your teen you both need a break for the next little while. (A time limit may be interpreted as a demand.)

• Reduce verbal language as much as possible. This will also reduce the need you might have for active problem solving.

• Don’t expect your teen to follow instructions/directions right now.

• Hold off on imposing any consequences.

Regulating separately is essential. Pressing ‘pause’ gives both of you the space to manage your own nervous system before trying to manage the relationship. As the parent, calling time-out is usually your job, even when it feels like giving in. It’s not. Taking a break to create the conditions for regulation is very different from throwing your hands up and walking away. What comes next is what makes the difference.

Step 3: Reconnect

This step can only happen once everyone is regulated. This is the step where you can turn a rupture into a repair. 

Reconnection is where you: 

• acknowledge what happened for both of you

• clarify what the actual issue was, without imposing blame

• solve problems collaboratively

• revisit expectations in a way that’s realistic for both of your neurotypes.

Dysregulation in a neurodivergent household is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to damage the relationship.

How can I create a neuroaffirming home for my neurodivergent teen?

There are several ways to make your home neuroaffirming. Some changes are small and intuitive; others may require a more deliberate effort. 

Communication

Your teen may appreciate a direct, concise communication style that allows for more processing time. The core principle that supports neurodivergent communication styles is the double empathy problem. Read more about this in our conversation guide for talking to your autistic teenager.

You may also find that this style of communication leads to a less stressful relationship, particularly when you need things to be done, or an instruction followed, without debate or negotiation. 

Sensory regulation

• Provide quiet spaces where your teen can withdraw when needed.

• Consider whether earphones at the dinner table are worth allowing, if it means your teen can be present for family life.

• Allow stimming and repetitive movements or sounds that help to regulate the nervous system. These behaviours are often how your teen decompresses or shows contentment.

• The sensory-friendly spaces you create for your child will benefit you, too.

Executive functioning

Build support into the household structure itself, rather than relying on one person (such as yourself) to remember everything. Use external reminders, consistent routines, visual schedules and shared family calendars to reduce the load on everyone. Try body doubling, which is about being in the same space as someone else while you each carry out your own tasks. This can make it easier for your teen to start and sustain activity without you having to actively manage them.

Autonomy

Give your teen a choice of tasks, without overloading them or giving them an open-ended array of decisions. This meets their desire for independence but also provides them with a structure that reduces their risk of analysis paralysis or decision fatigue. It will also help you to manage your own time so you don’t need to constantly check that things are being done, or become the chief decision maker only to find you made the wrong decision!

Recovery time

If you see your teen lying around, don’t assume they’re being lazy. If they seem easily dysregulated, reduce the demands being placed on them temporarily. If their stimming seems more intense than usual, give them more space – physical, emotional and psychological. And avoid making recovery time something to be earned. It’s a requirement. Treat it that way for them and for yourself. 

When your tools don’t work for them

Being a parent gives you the advantage of age and experience. You’ve spent time and effort figuring out what works because you’ve been there and done that. Passing on this wisdom to your neurodivergent child is meant to be straightforward. But what can often happen is that your teen won’t listen to, and may even reject, your suggestions without even giving them a go! 

The feeling of watching your teen continue to struggle and still not have a workable solution is one of the hardest things about parenting. There is a real feeling of helplessness, but insisting that your way is the only way isn’t going to help your child. Consider these ideas instead:

• Teach your child that trial-and-error is a character-building problem-solving technique that is also transferable to other aspects of their life.

• By stepping back, you’re telling your child that you trust their skills and judgement. 

• Just as you model self-compassion and self-acceptance, letting your child figure out what works for them enhances this for them. 

• Reframing the outright rejection of your amazing strategies as self-advocacy makes it about your child’s needs and wants at that moment.

• Providing the support your teen needs so the trials and errors aren’t catastrophic (as they rarely are) stacks the decks in your favour that your child might even seek you out for suggestions and advice. 

What is ‘neurodivergent parent burnout’, and how is it different from regular burnout?

All parents experience days where they’re at their limit and fall into a dysregulated state. Parenting neurodivergent teens, especially when you’re also neurodivergent, has been shown to be more stressful than neurotypical parenting and is associated with an increased rate of mental health issues.

The additional differences your teen may experience – like mental health conditions, sleep disturbances, behavioural issues, executive functioning difficulties, relationship and learning issues – have been shown to increase ‘caregiver burden’. Add in the advocacy, the appointments, the overall management of the family, and the absence of meaningful recovery time for yourself, and the burnout risk specific to neurodivergent parenting becomes real. 

Emerging research has found that parents who access positive psychology interventions such as self-compassion, gratitude, fostering hopefulness, and positive relationships reported reduced depression and anxiety and a higher sense of wellbeing. 

The strength of these studies is that they highlight the often unrelenting difficulties involved in neurodivergent parenting, especially when the majority of parent support information is designed for neurotypical parents and children. 

Where can I find support as a neurodivergent parent? 

Support can be found in a number of places. The right kind of support depends on what you need right now.

• ReachOut has resources on topics such as autism, ADHD and neurodiversity.

• Organisations such as Yellow Ladybugs, Reframing Autism, SPELD, DCD Australia and Tourette’s Australia also have resources for parents, both offering parent-centred webinars and courses that offer an in-depth understanding of these issues.

• You can use any professional support you currently have, such as your teen’s therapists, your GP or a medical specialist, to have individual sessions for any targeted or specific support you might be seeking.

• School support is also available. Building relationships with year advisers, school counsellors and learning support teachers is also beneficial. Engaging with regular planning meetings is an easy and accessible way to get support for you and your teen.

• Peer support, whether through parenting groups, online communities or local neurodiversity support groups, offers real-life camaraderie and empathy that complements any professional support. 

In some cases, more intensive support may be needed to support the whole family. This might be executive-functioning coaching, support coordination through the National Disability Insurance Scheme, and case-work support through non-government organisations. In some cases, crisis and respite care may also be beneficial. Your innate understanding of your teen’s unique strengths, differences and difficulties is a distinct advantage when it comes to parenting a neurodivergent teen as a neurodivergent person. Your empathy, creativity, intuition and divergent problem-solving skills can ensure that your teen gets exactly what they need. Your self-advocacy and drive for fairness and equity highlight the importance of accountability from others. 

There are all sorts of amazing resources you can access to build your own skill-set and to build meaningful relationships at home, at school and in the community. Parenting neurodivergent teens as a neurodivergent parent is joyous, chaotic, frustrating, exhilarating, difficult and absolutely worth it.

Frequently asked questions about parenting a neurodivergent teen as a neurodivergent parent