Conversation guide: How to talk to your autistic teenager

Often, non-autistic communication is treated as the ‘norm’ and autistic communication is judged, unfairly, as ‘impaired’ or ‘disordered’ – which is simply not the case.

It’s important to recognise that both styles are valid. This will lead to better interactions and fewer misunderstandings, and foster genuine connection between you and your teen. Let’s explore how communicating with your autistic teenager can be a positive experience for you both.

Understanding autistic communication styles and preferences

Autistic and non-autistic people have different communication styles, which can often lead to misunderstandings. 

The Double Empathy Problem explains that these difficulties aren’t due to a deficit in autistic individuals, but rather a two-way misunderstanding between different communication styles. 

So, instead of viewing one style as ‘right’ and the other as ‘wrong’, we can recognise these differences and foster mutual understanding. You might have noticed a number of these differences in autistic communication styles that have led to misunderstandings:

• Eye contact. Autistic people may avoid eye contact or find it uncomfortable, while non-autistic people often see it as a sign of attentiveness.

• Body position and gestures. Autistic people may use minimal gestures, have different postures, or struggle with personal space, whereas non-autistic people rely heavily on body language when communicating.

• Tone of voice. Autistic people might speak in a monotone, have an unusual pitch or may struggle to recognise sarcasm in another’s tone of voice, while non-autistic people use tone to convey emotion.

• Understanding non-verbal cues. Autistic people may find facial expressions, implied meanings or social expectations difficult to interpret, whereas non-autistic people rely on these for communication.

Diving into conversations 

Whether your teen prefers a particular communication style, or they use a mixture of verbal, non-verbal or assistive technology like text messages or Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC), conversation starters can be a helpful way to meet your and your teen’s needs. 

A common way to get started is to ask direct questions or to use previous experiences as a way to open things up. Using active listening skills, having a genuine interest in their inner life, and matching their communication style(s) are also ways to modify or change how you connect and communicate with your autistic teen. Here are some examples:

Ask for information

• ‘Who did you speak to at school today?’

• ‘Did you enjoy science today?’

• ‘Is there anything I need to know about soccer on the weekend?’

Draw on experiences

• ‘How did Talia go with her English essay?’

• ‘Can you tell me how the time-out card is working?’

• ‘I saw Oliver’s mum at the shops. Did you know he isn’t going back to soccer this year?’

Try active listening Reflect back what your teen has just said. Simply paraphrase their comment and ask a follow-up question: 

• ‘So, you had lunch with Suzie and Sophie today. Did you go to the canteen?’

Reflect their feelings at that moment. You could say: 

• ‘Oh, it sounds like it was noisy at the canteen. Did that upset you? I know you don’t like noisy areas.’

Depending on how well your teen responds to you noticing their body language or physical mannerisms, you could also gently mention this as a way to open up communication. For example:

• ‘Your hands are clenched. Is there anything you need to say?’

• ‘I see you’re stimming a lot this afternoon. Do you need help to soothe?’

If your teen is talkative and excited about their experiences, thoughts or interests, listen closely so you can remember some of the details to use in a later conversation. Your teen will then know you were actually listening to them earlier. 

Show genuine interest Asking your teen about their special interests may encourage them to start or join in a conversation. Sometimes, you don’t even need to say anything; just be there while they show and tell. Look out for products, resources or experiences that are relevant to their special interests and that you can do together.

Match their communication styles If they’re using a lot of verbal language and want to engage with you in this way, match their energy and amount of words. If you’re trying to have a conversation with them and they’re monosyllabic, or can only respond with ‘I don’t know’, take their lead and reduce your own verbal language. Allow non-verbal means of communication to take precedence. 

A few extra tips

• When starting a conversation with your teen, base it on something they’re interested in and where low demands are placed on them. 

• Allow your teen to respond in their own time. This is particularly important if you’re addressing awkward or complicated situations.

• Be aware if they’re running out of capacity to engage with open-ended questions, and offer them yes/no questions.

• Start out slow and build on their responses. 

• Pick the best time of day to do this. It’s common for autistic teens to have more capacity to discuss their day later in the evening rather than straight after school. 

When emotions are running high

As with all parent–child relationships, difficult emotions can arise. This is particularly the case when your communication styles are mismatched, such as when your child is having a tantrum or if you’re having a conversation about a difficult subject. Here are some simple ideas:

• Try to avoid having conversations or solving problems with your autistic teen when you or they are in an emotional state.

• If your teen is over- or under-stimulated, they may have difficulty processing what you are saying. This may cause them to be more agitated or withdrawn.

• Reduce the demands on your teen until they’re regulated. Revert to other ways of communicating, like text messages, rather than expecting verbal communication.

• Validate their experience without assuming you know how they’re feeling.

• Prioritise self- or co-regulation over trying to solve the problem or sort out an issue. Respect your teen’s  need to isolate or to physically withdraw from others.

• Reconnect and repair. Wait until everyone is regulated again to discuss what’s happened and work towards a mutual understanding.

Navigating tantrums, meltdowns and burnout

Tantrums, meltdowns and burnout are all types of dysregulation, and they can be tricky to navigate with your autistic teen. It’s important to understand what’s happening, how each person presents differently, and specific approaches you can take to communicate with your autistic teen when they’re experiencing this.

Tantrums  Tantrums are a response to an unmet need. They often involve loud, expressive language, and can also feel like arguing and bargaining on their end. You can respond to a tantrum by:

• being clear and explicit in your own language

• validating the other person’s feelings 

• setting clear and unambiguous boundaries.

Autistic meltdowns  Meltdowns usually occur in situations of intense sensory, emotional or social overwhelm, such as when your teen has masked at school all day or has exceeded their capacity to cope. 

An autistic teen in meltdown may withdraw, struggle with verbal processing, stim more, or have intense emotional outbursts, making regulation difficult. Stopping talking entirely, known as situational mutism, is also common. 

When your teen is having an autistic meltdown, here’s what you can do:

• Be simple and direct: ‘I’m here. You’re safe.’

• Reduce the need for your teen to discuss anything with you.

• Minimise sensory input, such as by lowering the lights.

• Offer sensory tools such as icepacks, fidgets or a weighted blanket.

• Reduce any extra demands on your teen.

• Encourage non-speaking communication, like visuals or text messages. 

Autistic burnout  Autistic burnout is a prolonged, intense meltdown state caused by unmet support needs. Even those with lower support needs can experience it. Recovery takes time, requiring both meltdown strategies and additional support. Here’s what you can do:

• Use alternative communication, such as an AAC system or text messages to reduce the demands on them.

• Validate small gains in recovery and support their need for ongoing rest.

• Allow your teen to use sensory tools routinely during recovery.

• Your teen may not be able to articulate what’s happening, but sitting in silence with them can be incredibly effective. 

Extra resources and support to pave the way

Visual aids, apps and tools Given the difficulties and differences autistic teens have with verbal communication, visual aids can be a useful part of how you and your teen communicate on a regular basis. Having alternative ways to communicate reduces the potential for conflict and deepens your connection. Some examples are:

• AAC apps such as Proloquo2Go or Lampwords for Life are typically used for non-speaking autistic people. They can offer an alternative for your teen if they are having frequent meltdowns or are in burnout.

• Other text-to-speech or speech-to-text apps can also provide this alternative where required.

• A collaborative platform such as Notion or Google Calendar can also be used to convey important information and to assist with household organisation (without the sometimes heavy burden of verbal language).

• Creating email and text templates can ease the burden of repetitive responses, especially when your teen struggles with communication.

Tips for communicating your teen’s needs to others Tips for parents on how to communicate to others about your teen’s needs:

• Avoid speaking for your child. Don’t assume you know what they’re experiencing unless you have asked them yourself.

• Speaking on behalf of your child is different from speaking for them. Your advocacy in this space can get them the help they need, particularly if the situation ends up in a non-speaking or situationally mute communication style.

• Creating cheat-sheets with key details – name, DOB, communication style, medical info, symptoms and emergency contacts – helps to convey essential info while reducing communication demands.

• Find out more about advocating for your teen’s mental health and wellbeing, including who you can connect with at their school.

Extra support options If communication issues persist, despite both of you trying everything to gain a mutual understanding, support options for parents and teens are available: 

• Have a parent consultation with your teen’s speech therapist or psychologist to discuss ways you can support them.

• Engage with a family therapist who specialises in neurodivergent families to uncover and repair some of the more complicated and nuanced communication issues that may be present.

• Access resources or parenting groups to deepen your understanding of autistic communication styles and how this may relate to your teen.

Parenting an autistic teenager comes with some challenges, but your dedication to understanding and supporting them is what’s important. You may not get it right all of the time, but your love, patience and willingness to find what works will make all the difference.