A parent’s and carer’s guide to neuroaffirming language
The way we talk about neurodivergence matters more than most of us might realise. Not because parents are getting it wrong, but because the language most of us grew up with focused on what neurodivergent people can’t do, struggle with or need to fix.
Neuroaffirming language flips that. It centres on strengths, respects difference, and gives your child the words to understand and describe their own experience.
In this article we’ll cover:
- What is neuroaffirming language and why does it matter?
- Should I use identity-first or person-first language?
- What language should I avoid when talking about neurodivergence?
- How do I talk to my child about their neurodivergence?
- How can neuroaffirming language help with masking and burnout?
- What does neuroaffirming language look like at school?
- Does neuroaffirming language apply to all types of neurodivergence?
- Quick-reference neuroaffirming language swap guide
- Frequently asked questions about neuroaffirming language
What is neuroaffirming language and why does it matter?
Neuroaffirming language recognises that many different neurological states make up the human experience. It’s strengths-based, not deficit-based, and is a massive change from the approach where we used to say things like ‘suffers from’, ‘disorder’ or ‘special needs’.
Using neuroaffirmative language might take some effort, but it’s important to do so for a few reasons:
It changes the perspective to the differences and difficulties a person experiences, rather than framing the person themselves as the issue.
Language can influence self-concept, expectations and stigma in either a positive or a negative way.
It allows honest discussions around disability, functional capacity, safety and support needs.
As a starting point, here are some examples of deficit-based language contrasted with neuroaffirmative language to help you understand why this change matters.
Instead of ... | Consider | Why it matters |
|---|---|---|
'meltdown' | ‘They’re experiencing significant distress/overload.’ | It shifts the focus from behaviour to what’s actually going on underneath. Your child isn’t acting out; they’re overwhelmed. |
‘high-functioning’ | ‘They’re autistic, with low support needs in some areas.’ | It prevents perceived competence from distracting from support needs that may be a bit less obvious. |
Should I use identity-first or person-first language?
Whether to use, or to be referred to using, identity-first (‘autistic person’) or person-first (‘person with autism’) language is really down to personal choice. Both terms can even be used at different times.
What is likely to matter most is to ask your child which term they prefer. Once you know their preference, use it! If you aren’t sure, using either person-first or identity-first language initially often invites discussion around preferences, especially with teens and adults.
To find out your child’s preference, try this:
‘When I mention you to people, would you like me to say you are an autistic person or that you are a person with autism?’
To find out the preference of a person you don’t know, try this:
‘I use identity-first language when I speak about neurodivergent people, but what is your preference so I can refer to you in that way?’
It can be slightly more difficult when describing people who have a diagnosis of ADHD, dyslexia or intellectual differences, as the diagnostic label makes it a bit clunky to use someone’s preferred language. In those cases, it’s still appropriate to establish the person’s preference, but you might use identity-first and person-first language interchangeably.
See here for more information about autism and ADHD.
What language should I avoid when talking about neurodivergence?
Adopting a purely neuroaffirmative approach isn’t always easy. But it’s worth being aware of the impact of language that is deficit-based, negative or ableist – words that frame neurodivergence as something ‘less than’, or that needs to be fixed or overcome. That kind of language doesn’t reflect a neuroaffirming approach.
Deficit-based language is still found in everyday use. You might encounter it at doctor’s appointments, at school or in the community, even from folks who are well-meaning and actively trying to help.
It’s important to know that the use of neuroaffirmative language doesn’t necessarily imply that all behaviours are positive and need to be accepted without question. What it does aim to do is separate a person’s differences and difficulties from the person who is experiencing them.
Phrases to retire | Substitute it with | Because |
|---|---|---|
‘is low-functioning’ | ‘has high support needs’ | It reflects their functional capacity in a meaningful way. |
‘normal people’ | ‘neurotypical people’ | It avoids implying that neurodivergent people are abnormal, less than or disordered, compared to neurotypical people. |
‘suffers from autism’ | ‘is autistic’ | Saying someone is ‘suffering’ means they have a disease or something that is temporary and can be cured. |
Find out more about the meaning of ‘neurotypical’ vs ‘neurodivergent’.
How do I talk to my child about their neurodivergence?
There is everything to gain from communicating openly and honestly with your child about their neurodivergence. The best place to start is by following their lead.
When you introduce neuroaffirmative language into conversations with your child, you’re showing them that their insights and experiences matter. By following their lead and using the words they’ve used to describe their experiences, in a way that doesn’t treat their differences as deficiencies, gives them a positive sense of self that they may not find elsewhere.
You might be worried about the impact of using labels like ‘autistic’, or of saying something explicit, like ‘You have ADHD.’ But many neurodivergent people say they’d much rather be labelled as ‘autistic’ or as an ‘ADHDer’ than as lazy, rude, weird, annoying or attention-seeking. Work together with your child to figure out their labelling preferences. Focus on their innate strengths while still acknowledging their differences and difficulties. This neuroaffirmative approach opens up a very different conversation that’s unlikely to happen otherwise. Here are some age-appropriate conversation starters to boost your confidence:
‘I really like how your brain works. Do you want to know more about why it works that way?’
‘Remember when you said your “brain is too busy” to remember things? I’ve found some information about that.’
‘The assessment identified that you have ADHD. This can explain why studying on your own can be hard for you.’
‘When you’re ready, let me know whether identity-first or person-first language feels best for you.’
How can neuroaffirming language help with masking and burnout?
When neuroaffirmative language isn’t used consistently, masking may often be resorted to as a coping skill. Over time, masking can lead to or may exacerbate mental health issues, stress and burnout.
The benefit of neuroaffirmative language is that it puts the person first. It acknowledges their strengths, differences and difficulties in a respectful way, and it gives them the language to describe their internal experiences. When they hear this reflected in conversations with or about them, it can build their self-esteem and give them a sense of wellbeing and a positive self-identity. All of this makes it less likely they’ll feel the need to minimise their experience, or to mask who they are. And this makes it less likely that they’ll experience burnout.
At home, using predominantly neuroaffirmative language yourself is one of the most powerful things you can do. It models the approach for your child, and you can apply it to your own experiences too. Examples are:
‘I’m feeling overwhelmed by all this noise. I’m just going to put my earphones in for a bit.’
‘I’m starting to feel dysregulated. I’m just going to lie down on the bed for a few minutes until I feel better.’
What does neuroaffirming language look like at school?
School staff understand the importance of using neuroaffirming language when speaking to, or about, their neurodivergent students. As a parent, you play a critical role – not just in modelling this approach at home, but in advocating for your child to be spoken about using this strengths-based language at school, too.
That said, communication from school can sometimes reflect a negative bias or a deficit-based view of your child. This can make it harder to work together effectively. Here are some examples of what you might hear, and some ways you can reframe it.
What school might say ... | A neuroaffirming reframe |
|---|---|
'behavioural issues’ | ‘is having difficulty regulating their behaviour’ |
‘non-compliant’ | ‘is unable to consistently work independently’ |
‘manipulative’ | ‘is trying to influence what happens in response to an unmet need or demand’ |
‘behind their peers’ | ‘their achievement varies according to the situation’ |
It’s important to note that if schools are genuinely using neuroaffirmative language or vocabulary, this should also influence:
the provision of reasonable adjustments
expectations of your child in the classroom
your child’s access to behaviour and/or learning support
sensory accommodations made for your child
other people’s responses to your child’s overwhelm
communication with you and your child.
As a parent, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask whether your child’s school has staff well-versed in neuroaffirmative principles and practices. Each Australian state and territory has its own policies around how schools support students with disabilities that are grounded in the Disability Standards for Education. This legislation covers all aspects of access to learning and wellbeing and is tied in very closely with the Disability Discrimination Act.
Does neuroaffirming language apply to all types of neurodivergence?
The answer to this question is broadly, ‘Yes!’ Strengths-based, respectful, person-centred approaches benefit your child regardless of their unique pattern of strengths, differences and difficulties.
Although a lot of information around neuroaffirmative approaches centres on autism and ADHD, the following conditions (among others) also benefit from a neuroaffirmative approach:
Even mood- and anxiety-related symptoms can be considered neurodivergent when they occur alongside any of the conditions mentioned above.
It is important to note that while these approaches can be applied broadly, not all types of neurodivergence share the same characteristics, so avoid making assumptions about a person’s capacity, abilities, strengths and difficulties.
A good starting point is to use the specific language preferences for each community. Ensuring that the language you use recognises and respects your child’s dignity, autonomy and strengths, without minimising their disability, will give you the foundations you need to start a conversation specific to their needs.
Quick-reference neuroaffirming language swap guide
Understanding the importance of neuroaffirmative language is one thing; knowing what to say is something else! Here is a handy quick-reference guide to help you get started.
Instead of ... | Try this instead |
|---|---|
‘She’s so high-functioning, you’d never know.’ | ‘She has a lot of strengths, but she might also need specific supports.’ |
‘He’s just attention-seeking.’ | ‘He’s behaving in that way to seek connection, support or regulation.’ |
'They won’t make eye contact.' | ‘They're not comfortable relying on eye contact for connection.’ |
‘He needs to learn to sit still.’ | ‘He may benefit from movement to assist with attention and regulation.’ |
‘She is just overreacting.’ | ‘She is probably finding the situation overwhelming and hard to cope with.’ |
‘They aren't listening.’ | ‘They need their attention to be redirected to you before they can pay attention to what you are saying.’ |
‘He can’t read social cues.’ | ‘He might be missing subtle verbal and non-verbal communication cues that help him understand what his friend is asking.’ |
‘He’s on the spectrum.’ | ‘He’s autistic.’ |
‘We’re all on the spectrum in some way.’ | ‘There are some traits that neurotypical and neurodivergent people have in common.’ |
‘She uses ADHD as an excuse.’ | ‘Her ADHD traits and behaviours make certain things difficult for her. Let’s work out how to support her.’ |
‘That was socially inappropriate.’ | ‘That behaviour [named] isn’t meeting the expectations of the classroom.’ |
Adopting a neuroaffirmative approach to language changes how you speak to and about your child. It positively influences their self-esteem, buffers them against the negative impacts of masking, reduces the likelihood of overwhelm, and enhances your advocacy skills for better access to learning and wellbeing supports at school and in the community.
Shifting language styles can feel clunky and weird, but the goal isn’t perfection. It is to achieve a consistent and intentional shift towards a strengths-based perspective that will give your child the opportunity to flourish and thrive, despite the differences and difficulties they may experience.
Frequently asked questions about neuroaffirming language
‘Neuroaffirming language’ recognises neurological differences as part of the human experience, not as personal failings. Moving away from outdated terms like ‘disorder’ or ‘suffering’ fundamentally changes how young people see themselves. When you shift the conversation towards a strengths-based model, you actively reduce social stigma and build genuine self-esteem. It also creates a safe space in which to talk openly about support needs without making your child feel broken or like they need to be fixed.
Deciding between identity-first and person-first wording comes down to personal preference. Some people strongly prefer being called ‘an autistic person’, while others prefer being referred to as ‘a person with autism’. Because there’s no single right term for everyone, the best approach is simply to ask your child what feels most comfortable for them. Once you know their preferred term, use it consistently. If you are ever unsure around new people, asking them politely what is their preferred term shows respect for their autonomy from the very start.
Using respectful language at home validates your child's internal experiences and removes the heavy pressure to hide who they are. When kids feel genuinely accepted by the people closest to them, they don’t have to work nearly as hard to fit in. Dropping those tiring masking habits significantly lowers their daily stress levels. Creating a safe, validating environment protects them from the deep exhaustion and overwhelm that so often lead to severe burnout.
Advocating for your child at school starts by building a collaborative relationship with their teachers and wellbeing team early in the year. You can gently model strengths-based language in emails and meetings, reframing traditional deficit-based reports into descriptions that focus on environmental barriers and support needs. Sharing accessible resources written in plain language can also help school staff understand why shifting their vocabulary makes a massive difference to a student's engagement and mental health.
Labels like 'high-functioning' often hide real struggles behind an appearance of competence. When someone is described like this, people tend to dismiss their hidden difficulties, sensory overloads and exhaustion. Shifting the focus to a person’s specific support needs acknowledges that their capacity fluctuates depending on the environment. This will ensure that your child gets help where they actually need it, rather than in areas where they appear to be capable.
Hearing family members or teachers use outdated terms can be frustrating, but it also presents a gentle teaching moment. You can calmly reframe the language by focusing on the underlying barrier, rather than on the behaviour itself. For example, if someone describes a child as ‘difficult’, you can suggest that the child is ‘experiencing sensory overload’. Model the preferred phrasing consistently so that others around your child naturally pick up on it.
Some young people prefer traditional clinical labels because that is the vocabulary they were given initially or because the meaning is clear to them. Honouring your child's autonomy means following their lead. If they feel comfortable using specific terms, support their choice while still modelling a strengths-based perspective in your own conversations.
Teens often resist anything that feels overly clinical, forced or patronising. Instead of giving them a formal lecture, keep your language shifts natural and casual. Focus on practical validation and relief by acknowledging, say, when an environment is too loud or overwhelming. This shows your teen that these changes are about making their daily life easier.
Did you find what you needed?
Yes – Check out this conversation guide on how to talk to your autistic teenager.
No – Book a free, one-on-one session with a ReachOut parent coach.
I need to know more –Get tips on how to support a neurodivergent teen.