Talking to your teenager about sex

It can be awkward talking to your teen about sex, for all kinds of reasons. The good news is you can stop dreading the one big ‘Sex Talk’ where you try to cover everything. That puts way too much pressure on you both – and, besides, this isn’t a one-and-done situation. 

Instead, start an ongoing series of casual, comfortable chats that give your teen the knowledge they need for their age and, ultimately, will set them up for a lifetime of healthy, positive sexual relationships.

This article covers:

• What’s the perfect age for talking about sex?

• Start an ongoing conversation

• Cover the essentials

• Setting boundaries around sex

• When talking about sex is more than awkward

What’s the perfect age for talking about sex?

Schools teach students the basics about puberty and reproduction from the early years onwards, so, for older teens, you can focus on being the main educator for their sexual health and values. 

Every teenager is different, but aim to start talking with your teen about sex when they’re showing signs of curiosity about it but aren’t yet actively experimenting. As a rough guide, one in three teens will have had sexual intercourse by age 16–17. You know your child best, so stay alert for clues they might be thinking about becoming sexually active. Clues include:

• they’ve started a romantic relationship

• they’ve asked you about contraception

• they’re mentioning that their friends are in relationships.

Don’t put it off 

Few parents or carers look forward to diving into what is a potentially uncomfortable topic, but it’s important for the health and happiness of your teen and their partners that they get reliable information so they can make good choices. Being fully informed won’t mean they’ll start having sex earlier. It does mean they’ll be better prepared for intimacy – and less likely to regret it – when it happens. 

If they can’t cope with the conversation maturely, it’s possible they’re not yet ready, and that’s fine. Reassure them they can talk to you anytime about sex if they have any questions. Research shows that teens are usually grateful and relieved when parents take the lead, but if your teen is seriously uncomfortable talking to you about sexual matters, ask them to suggest other trusted adults they’d be willing to chat with and reach out to them.

Start an ongoing conversation

You might be surprised how much your teen has already picked up from schoolyard talk, TV shows, song lyrics and the internet. Chances are that older teens have seen some kind of porn online, too. 

Your role is to check that what they know is factually correct and respectful. Talking openly, answering questions without being judgemental, and challenging misconceptions as you become aware of them will make your teen feel safe, supported and less vulnerable to being misled. Here are some tips on how to approach your conversations.

Be prepared

Read up on the latest information and advice, think about what concerns you want to get across to your teen, and be ready for questions they might throw at you. Clear it with your partner beforehand, so you’re both on the same page.

Pick your moment

Consider chatting while you’re alone in the car or watching TV (without any younger siblings within earshot). These are neutral settings where you’re both sitting comfortably and aren’t eye-to-eye, which can help to overcome any initial awkwardness.

Go slowly

Start with an open-ended question, like: ‘What do your friends think about dating?’ Follow up with something like: ‘Is there anything about dating and sex you’re confused by?’ These sorts of general questions will help you to gauge your teen’s level of knowledge. Put on your best unshockable expression and don’t laugh at their response, as they may feel you’re ridiculing them.

Know the proper terms

Keep it light and conversational, but avoid using slang for body parts or sex acts so that your teen is clear on the information.

Give straight answers

Your teen might surprise you with a personal question like: ‘When did you first have sex?’ You can choose to keep that private, but be honest if the experience was not what you expected or you wish you’d known more beforehand.

Use inclusive and positive language

Try to say ‘partner’, as ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ can increase your teen’s anxiety if they’re exploring gender or sexual diversity. You might be rightly worried about unwanted pregnancy or peer pressure around sex, but steer away from instilling fear in your teen. Instead, emphasise the pleasures as well as the responsibilities of sex, and use words like ‘safety’ and ‘respect’. Remember, it’s not a lecture.

Research information together online

Find trustworthy, culturally safe resources to get answers if you’re unsure about anything. This also models to your teen how to find reliable information online.

Check in regularly

Remind your teen that they can ask you questions whenever they have any and that you’ll always do your best to answer them or to find information together with them. A pregnancy announcement or a news story about nude photos can provide good on-ramps to deeper topics.

Cover the essentials

There’s an endless amount of information on sex, sexuality and sexual health out there, but here are some topics to tick off.

Consent

It’s vital that your teen understands that consent means an enthusiastic and continuing agreement between partners that they both want to engage in the sexual activity. Talk about how power imbalances or being drunk or high on drugs impact consent. Remind them that ‘no’ means ‘stop immediately’. Check out how to teach your teenager about consent and hare Consent Can't Wait's detailed guide to consent with your teen.

Respectful relationships

Encourage your teen to respect both their partner and themselves. Reinforce with them that intimacy is based on trust, which is broken if one partner shares intimate details on social media or boasts about their sexual activity to friends. Here’s more on respectful relationships and the laws around sexting.

Safe sex

Make it clear that the use of contraception is non-negotiable, to keep your teen and their partner safe and to avoid unwanted pregnancy. Go through the options, from condoms and the pill to intrauterine devices (IUDs) and contraceptive injections. Here’s a comprehensive list with photos and details on each type. A GP can offer advice on which method to choose.

Sexual health

Talk through the symptoms of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and about how some contraception methods minimise the chance of infection. Share this guide to getting a sexual health check and this link to apply for their own Medicare card. Young Deadly Free has info on STIs and blood-borne viruses (BBVs) that’s tailored to young people in regional and remote Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities.

Emotional readiness

Once a teen reaches legal age (between 16 and 17, depending on the state where you live), there’s no ‘right time’ to start having sex, but your teenager should be emotionally mature enough to handle it – which is more than just being physically ready. Explain emotional abuse and the differences between love and lust, and between monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. Reassure your teen that sex is different for everyone and that there’s no need to go further than they want to just because their partner or friends talk it up.

Porn

If your teen is under 18, you can set parental controls to block explicit content on their devices, but it’s still likely they’ll encounter some sort of porn online. Remind them that sex in real life can be very different from what they might see online and that everyone has unique bodies and preferences. Here’s an expert’s take on how porn can affect your teen’s attitude to sex.

Expert support

Share trusted resources like the government website Get the Facts, ReachOut’s directory of supports for LGBTQIA+ teens and I Wanna Know, a website with an ‘Ask an Expert’ section that responds to young people’s emailed questions. For specific medical or emotional advice you don’t feel equipped to give your teen, reach out to your GP or a school counsellor; they’re trained to help in this area.

Setting boundaries around sex

If your teen is already sexually active and you’re worried about this or their sexual health, it’s important to be proactive, no matter how uncomfortable discussing the topic makes you both feel. 

‘It can be really challenging for parents to address concerns about things like sexual activity, because teens can be quite sensitive to feeling judged or that their parents aren’t accepting of their choices,’ says psychologist Linda Williams. ‘They’re most likely to listen and be open to hearing the parents’ concerns when they feel listened to, understood and accepted by their parents.’

Having conversations about sexual consent and respect helps to ensure your teenager will go on to have mutually respectful relationships in the future. For more, read our guide to helping your teenager develop boundaries.

When talking about sex is more than awkward

Conversations about sex, sexuality and sexual health can be confronting, especially if you were raised in a culture that disapproves of sex before marriage or if memories of past sexual experiences or sex education bring up trauma or shame for you. You can access confidential counselling at 1800RESPECT.

It can also be bittersweet to realise your child is at an age when they’re thinking about such an adult part of life. ‘A lot of parents struggle with a sense of loss as their children approach adulthood, that in a sense they have lost the connection with them,’ says Linda Williams. ‘So it can be really important to look for and recognise the ways in which your teen is still the same person, as well as the ways they have grown.’