What can I do if my teen shows bullying behaviour?
It can come as a shock to learn that your teen has been engaging in bullying behaviour. However, by helping them to recognise the impact of their actions, you can create change and encourage them to build better social and emotional skills. Read our guide to what bullying behaviour looks like, what causes it, and how you can step in calmly and put an end to it.
This article covers:
What is bullying behaviour?
Bullying happens when a person or a group of people repeatedly and intentionally use words or actions to cause distress and harm to another person’s wellbeing. There’s also a power imbalance in the situation, which could come from age, physical size, popularity or something else. It isn’t the same as a ‘normal’ conflict between people (such as having an argument or a fight) or simply disliking someone.
Bullying behaviour can include:
name-calling, spreading rumours, teasing, or excluding someone from a group
hurting someone physically by pushing, hitting, ganging up on or restraining them
using technology to hurt others, which could look like sharing embarrassing photos, posting mean things, or stalking someone online with texts or instant messages. Read more about cyberbullying and teenagers.
Watch out for any of these signs that your child could be engaging in bullying behaviour:
They demonstrate a lack of compassion for other people’s feelings and have difficulty in expressing their own feelings.
They talk about kids at school in an aggressive or negative way.
They call people names, whether it be face-to-face, through SMS or on social media.
They have money or items that don’t belong to them.
They express anger about events in their lives.
They have a need to be in control.
They have low self-esteem.
They try to impress their peers by behaving badly.
They hang around peers who have a reputation for bullying.
They act in an intimidating, threatening or aggressive way towards you or other family members.
Why do teenagers bully others?
There are many reasons why your teen might be displaying bullying behaviour:
They may not know how to cope with their own strong emotions, like anger, fear, sadness and anxiety.
They may struggle to understand how others are impacted by their behaviour.
They may feel insecure, and picking on someone they perceive as weaker gives them a temporary feeling of power, importance or popularity.
They might be mirroring aggressive or unkind interactions they've seen at home or in other parts of their life.
They may be trying to impress or fit in with a peer group that encourages bad behaviour.
Teenagers who bully aren't necessarily ‘bad kids’. Often, this behaviour points to social and emotional skills they haven't yet developed. The good news is, these are all things you can help them work on.
What can I do if my teen shows bullying behaviour?
Take a moment to process your feelings before taking action
Your reaction is crucial. It’s normal to feel anger, shame or disbelief, but take a moment to calm yourself before approaching your teen. Your goal is to help them take responsibility and find positive ways to manage their relationships. Once you’ve given yourself some time and space, you’ll be in a much better position to act.
Start a conversation
Find a calm, quiet time to talk, like during a drive or when cooking dinner, rather than when emotions are already high. Here are some tips for having the conversation:
Describe the specific behaviour you've seen or heard about: ‘I heard you were calling someone names at lunch.’
Ask them directly about it: ‘What happened from your perspective?’ Try to get them to do the talking.
Listen without immediately judging them, or they'll likely become defensive. You need to understand the full situation.
Encourage empathy by asking them to imagine how the person they bullied might feel: ‘If someone did that to you, how would you feel?’
Focus on the behaviour, rather than labelling them as a bully. Labelling implies this is all of who they are, so make sure to point out their strengths and positive traits, and reinforce that those are the behaviours you expect to see.
Encourage them to take responsibility and make amends
Ask them what they think they should do next. If they’re not forthcoming, suggest that they apologise to the person they hurt (face-to-face, or via a message or email) and take other appropriate actions.
If they do follow through, check in with them and acknowledge their courage. Say something like, ‘I know that was hard, but it was the right thing to do.’ Owning up to their behaviour and being willing to take positive steps towards resolving the situation is a huge moment of growth.
Address underlying issues if the behaviour persists
If the bullying behaviour continues, look more closely at what might be fuelling it:
Discuss with your teenager the influence of their friends. Are they encouraging the bullying behaviour, or taking part as well?
Do they engage with violent video games or movies? Help them to understand the difference between entertainment and real-life interactions.
Is something else in their life causing anxiety or fear that needs to be addressed? For example, is your teenager exposed to arguments, conflicts or relationship problems?
Do they have negative perceptions and beliefs about others based on race, gender, religion or other identities? This is a chance to discuss respect, acceptance and diversity.
Clearly state your house rules if it’s happening in the home
Sit together as a family and discuss your family values. State your expectations clearly. This is a time to be specific and firm. There is no excuse for people to feel unsafe in their own home. They need to know that bullying is not okay, and that everyone deserves to feel safe and respected in your home. Be clear about the consequences if the behaviour continues.
When should I get professional help for my teen’s bullying behaviour?
If your child continues to struggle to change their behaviour, or if the bullying is impacting the safety of your family (e.g. yelling or physical aggression at home), it's time to get professional support. Here are some options:
Access free, personalised parenting guidance from ReachOut Parents’ One-on-One Support.
Organise family counselling through Relationships Australia.
Contact the wellbeing staff at your teen’s school.
Have a conversation with your GP for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist who can help your teen process their emotions and build better conflict resolution skills.
Advice from a psychologist on bullying behaviour
In the video below, psychologist Clare Rowe explains the impact of bullying on teenagers, what to look out for, and what you can do if you suspect that your teenager is bullying others or being bullied.
Did you find what you needed?
I need to know more – Read our factsheet about teenage bullying.