How to support your teen with anger management
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Anger is a normal human response, whether it’s being mad at someone who’s acting selfishly or getting hangry after skipping lunch. It can even be a positive force, motivating us to fight injustice. Where it becomes a problem for your teen is when they can’t control it and they go into the ‘red zone’ – that’s when they can damage relationships, break things, and hurt themselves and others.
As a parent, you can teach your teen strategies to monitor their moods and manage their anger, as well as work on your own feelings so that you model an essential life skill.
Why are teenagers so angry?
Teenagers get angry about the same stuff adults do, but they might feel extra stressed by it because they’re going through so much change. Their angry outbursts can be triggered by everyday frustrations, including:
being ordered to do chores or to stop gaming
losing at games or sports
missing out on fun
friends or partners being hurtful
being told off by a teacher or other adult
big disappointments like exam results.
Triggers are different from causes, which are the underlying reasons for the level of your teen’s anger. These can be physical or psychological. Your teen may be able to talk about them, or they might not be aware of them. Causes can include:
hormone changes during puberty
rapid brain development
insufficient sleep or exercise
blood sugar crashes and spikes from a poor diet
a response to trauma or abuse
family conflict or money troubles
big changes like family separation or moving schools
the death of a loved one
long-term bullying
pressure to achieve or meet cultural expectations
substance abuse
undiagnosed mental health conditions like depression, anxiety and ADHD.
Your teen isn’t choosing to act out and will usually feel guilty afterwards. Keeping this in mind will help you to have more empathy for them and to stay calm in the moment.
Anger and neurodivergent teens
Anger can be more complicated for neurodivergent teens. Autistic teens can experience burnout from sensory overload or from working overtime to ‘mask’ their difference. This can lead to meltdowns, which can look a lot like anger. The teenager has little or no control over these outbursts, so help them to monitor themselves for dysregulation and to take time out before they get overwhelmed. Read more on how to deal with meltdowns and check out our hub on autism and teenagers.
Some neurodivergent teens find it tricky to monitor their body’s sensations while they’re focused on other things, so they might feel edgy because they’ve forgotten to eat or they’re feeling too hot because they’re overdressed. Teens with anxiety can sometimes go into a fight-or-flight response. All of this can cause problems at school and with friends.
It’s important to get the right support for your neurodivergent teen, from occupational therapists (who help with monitoring bodily needs) to psychologists (who practise therapy) and psychiatrists (who can suggest medication). If your teen has a diagnosis, they might be eligible for support funding. You can get free respite, coaching and peer support at Carer Gateway, a government program for carers of people with disability.
How to respond to your teen’s anger in the moment
As your teen grows physically bigger, their blow-ups can feel more intimidating. Here are some strategies to help keep things calm and safe.
Don’t engage. When your teen is in the middle of a rage, the logical part of their brain is offline, so don’t try to reason with them or tell them off, which will only make things worse. Step back, stay neutral and save talking for when they’re calm.
Help them to find a safe space. Leave the path clear to a quiet place like their bedroom, where they can go to be alone and safely vent their anger – maybe by screaming into a pillow.
Let them do whatever calms them. It might be lifting weights or playing a video game. Neurodivergent teens might calm themselves by rocking or using a fidget toy. Let them know you’re around if they need you.
Keep everyone safe. If you feel like you or someone else in the family is in danger, you should call 000. Here’s what you can expect to happen if you call the police.
Read our guide to calming down an angry teenager.
When do I need to get extra help?
Sometimes your teen’s anger is a sign of a deeper issue. If there are big changes in your teen’s behaviour, particularly if they’re being aggressive (shoving, hitting, smashing things), it’s worth getting an assessment in case they need professional mental health support.
Other things to look out for include:
unexplained scars or bruises
disrupted sleep
withdrawal from friends and family
increased risk taking
sudden drop in school performance
threats about getting revenge.
A GP is a good place to start. They can rule out physical causes, ask questions about what you’ve noticed, and refer your teen to a psychologist, paediatrician or other specialist if needed.
Regular teenage anger becomes domestic violence when there are physical attacks on siblings or, in the case of older teens, on parents. Save crisis helpline numbers like 1800RESPECT to your phone in case you need support during an anger episode.
Talking to your teen about their anger
Psychologist Linda Williams suggests having a chat with your teenager when they are in a calm mental state. ‘Your teen likely has some insight into their behaviour,’ she says. ‘This doesn’t mean they know or will be able to explain why they get so upset, but it could be valuable to get their perspective on what’s happening for them and how they feel about it.’
Here are some practical tips for what can be a challenging conversation.
Resist the urge to offer quick fixes. Show you’re really listening by repeating what your teen tells you and ask follow-up questions, like: ‘So, you felt mad that Kayla accused you? That’s hard. What other ways could you handle that feeling next time?’
Teach them to name other emotions around their anger. For example, they might feel embarrassed, threatened or misunderstood. Recognising these emotions can help them to identify the main issue.
Share a visualisation they can use to calm down. One idea is: ‘Big feelings are like waves in the ocean – they pass. We just need to wait them out.’
Empathise with them. Acknowledge the impact of your teen’s anger on their friendships, family relationships and school life, so they’ll be more motivated to work on the problem in partnership with you.
Don’t compromise on family values. Remind your teen about responsibilities and limits of behaviour, and the consequences for breaking rules. This doesn’t mean they won’t break them again, but involving them in the process models cooperation, encourages them to take responsibility and removes uncertainty.
How to stay strong
While it’s tempting to throw all your energy into your child’s wellbeing at the expense of your own, you need to feel your best to cope with challenging behaviours – after all, being shouted at, criticised or threatened takes a toll. Start a daily self-care ritual: do a quick breathing exercise with a meditation app, meet a friend for coffee or go for a walk.
Reach out for extra support before you’re desperate, as it can take weeks to set up appointments. Seeing a counsellor or psychologist will give you a set time in a safe space to talk through how you’re feeling, decode patterns of behaviour and brainstorm parenting strategies. Your GP can help you to access local services. Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander parents and carers can contact 13YARN to connect with an Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander crisis supporter 24/7. Relationships Australia and headspace offer individual and family counselling.
If you feel like your teen or another young person in your life is at risk of serious harm, call 000. For other crisis support services that are available to them, visit our urgent help page.
Strategies for the long term
Model healthy anger management
Keeping a lid on your own anger will help to lower the temperature when your teen is lashing out. ‘You’re probably feeling pretty frustrated and even angry at times,’ says Linda Williams. ‘This is okay – it’s normal to feel angry when someone is rude, aggressive or hostile. It also provides an opportunity to model how to cope with anger and frustration for your teen.’ Take a breath, count backwards from ten, and ask yourself if you’re about to react in a way that will make the situation more intense.
Reinforce the good stuff
‘Something that happens very often when someone is displaying challenging behaviours is you might be having more interactions with your teen that have a negative focus – like dealing with them breaking a rule or asking them to do something – than positive interactions,’ says Linda Williams. ‘This is really normal when someone is frequently argumentative or hostile, but over time it can also make things stressful for all of you.’ Make an effort to notice times when things are a little better and praise efforts your teen is making or the things they’re doing well. This will help to strengthen your bond.
Start an anger diary
Both you and your teen can find it helpful to keep an anger diary, where you note the details of angry episodes. It doesn’t have to be long, but include columns for what triggered the anger; your/their thoughts at that moment; emotions you/they felt; bodily sensations; how you/they reacted; and any consequences. Seeing it mapped out can give you both clues about how to break the cycle of escalating anger and help your teen accept the logic behind new boundaries.
Building emotional resilience with healthy habits
Share these tips with your teen.
Get distance on the situation. Put down the phone, walk away and take some alone time somewhere calm to think until you’re ready to talk.
Build in regular exercise. Getting active gives you a rush of feel-good endorphins. Lifting weights or surfing can channel anger’s adrenaline surge somewhere positive, without the need to interact with others.
Do what calms you. It could be yoga poses, playing with a fidget toy, or journalling to organise your thoughts and process your feelings.
Share the load. Talk with trusted friends, family members, elders or counsellors to get new perspectives on a situation. Online services like PeerChat connect young people with trained peer workers who understand what they’re going through.
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