Stories of teenagers and self-harm

A parent’s story about self-harm

At the end of 2005, when my son Carl was in Year 5, I separated from his mother. I think the separation had a big impact on him because he started getting in trouble at school. One day, he got into an argument with some kids and he picked up a stick. Although Carl didn’t hurt anyone with the stick, the threat was enough so he was sent home from school that day.

In Year 6, Carl started to harm himself. I believe all of this was triggered by the stress of my separation from his mother, but also because Carl has his own mental health difficulties.

In the early years of high school, Carl’s problems continued. He was often getting into trouble at school and having difficulty managing his aggression. We got help from a counsellor and the school, but my honest feeling was that they didn’t know what to do with him. My experience has been that it’s difficult to get help for your child until and unless they reach a crisis point.

Carl is now in Year 10 and, in the last year, he has reached a crisis point. One day at school he had an anxiety attack so bad he had to be taken from the school in an ambulance. At home one night he harmed himself quite seriously. 

Now Carl has a caseworker, a psychologist and a psychiatrist. He’s not currently in a state to be able to attend school, but we’re taking the advice of the experts and it seems to be helping, slowly. Some of the advice seems to work a little and I’m still waiting to see if other bits of advice or techniques are going to help Carl.

I have a friend who also has a teenage son with emotional difficulties. We have been a great support for each other. We share ideas and stories and also try to keep a sense of humour. I’ve found that really helps.

I’ve also had help from my own parents. After all, they’ve raised teenagers themselves so they can be a good source of wisdom.

I also use the internet a lot. I listen to the experts but I don’t just take their word for it, I like to research it and find out a bit more myself. I’ve found this really helpful.

I constantly reassure Carl that I love him and accept him for who he is. We often say ‘we’ll get through this together’. We have a pretty good relationship in spite of everything and that’s really important to me. His problems are ongoing but he knows that I’m there for him and I also now have good support for myself

A teenager’s story about self-harm

I had a secret. Very few people knew about this secret, and I wanted it left that way. My psychiatrist and a few close friends knew - that was all. After a particularly bad couple of days dealing with some pretty deep stuff, again my secret became obvious to those around me.

After a visit by my psychiatrist I was encouraged to tell my mum. I didn't have the guts to tell her, but desperately wanted her to understand. So that Saturday night while at a friend’s place so I wasn't left alone, I took a major life changing step - I told mum my secret and she cried.

What is this secret you ask? I self-harm. When I am desperately down, I end up out of it totally and harm myself. As if hurting me is a pain I can cope with when the other feelings are out of control and I can't. 

Well, back to telling the mother. It was so very hard to tell her that while living with her and Dad for years and then for years away from them I had been self-harming. I sort of said "Mum, I have something I have to tell you - just listen please, just listen"... then I went on to tell her "Mum, you know how sometimes I get really really sad and really really down, well sometimes I feel so bad that I hurt myself to make it better"... she started to cry... she asked me why over and over again. I couldn't answer her whys, and they still ring in my ears.

She was desperately upset that she didn't realise when I was living at home, that I didn't get help earlier. My life changed from the time I told her. She now understands a little more about me. She is now more empathetic and takes me seriously when I tell her I am down. I had to reassure her that I was safe and had a procedure in place and people to call on to keep me safe. I knew she cared about me... but I didn't know to what extent.

I also didn't realise how understanding parents, that most of the time seem so foreign and distant, can be. Sometimes you just need to give them the chance to respond with love and acceptance and let them help you, even when you want to go it alone. I thought it would hurt my mum too much to know, but I was mistaken.