Supporting an intersex teenager

This article was written and reviewed by people with intersex variations.

Caring for a teen with an intersex variation, also known as a ‘variation of sex characteristics’ (VSC), can present unique challenges as they begin to make their own choices and to define who they are. 

Read our guide to understand what ‘intersex’ means, to learn how you can support an intersex child (particularly in regards to navigating medical care) and to identify what services are available to provide assistance to intersex people and their families.

What does it mean to be intersex?

‘Intersex’ is an umbrella term used to describe people born with physical features (e.g. genitals, chromosomes or internal reproductive anatomy) that don’t fit typical binary definitions of male or female. Here are some key facts:

• Around 1.7% of people are intersex. 

• Intersex isn’t a particular kind of body or identity. The term covers many different variations, bodies and identities. It’s separate from a person’s gender identity (their innate sense of their gender) and their sexual attraction (who they are attracted to).

• Like everyone else, intersex people are determined to be female or male at birth based on their appearance. This is known as ‘sex assignment at birth’. However, intersex characteristics aren’t always obvious at birth; they can become apparent during childhood or puberty, or even later in life.

Terminology used to describe people with intersex variations

Intersex people may use one of many different words to describe themselves. These include the umbrella term ‘intersex’, as well as clinical terms, such as ‘variations of sex characteristics’ or ‘differences of sex development’. (Note that the term 'disorders of sex development' is highly stigmatising and outdated and should be avoided.) Choosing affirmative and respectful words can help you and your child accept their body and experience. 

Navigating health and medical care for your intersex child

Intersex teens often interact with the health-care system more frequently than their peers. Your role is to ensure that these interactions are safe, respectful and empowering for your child. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• The overwhelming consensus among human rights bodies is that deferrable medical interventions (especially cosmetic genital surgeries or sterilisation) that modify a person's sex characteristics should be delayed until the individual is old enough to provide personal, informed consent. Interventions should only be pursued when they are medically necessary to address an immediate, serious health risk (e.g. a blockage that prevents urination).

• Many general practitioners (GPs) and specialists may not have up-to-date, intersex-affirming training. Look for a GP who is willing to listen, learn and coordinate care with specialists, such as an endocrinologist, urologist or gynaecologist. It can be a good idea to get a second or third opinion, and to seek support from a counsellor and a peer support group.

• Help your child to assert themselves about their own bodies. Let them know they have the right to say no to treatments if they’re unsure or don’t want them. Let them wait until they are confident and understand their body and its needs, and their identity, before deciding on cosmetic procedures.

• Encourage your teen to bring you, a trusted friend or a peer support worker to appointments to help advocate for them, take notes and process information.

• Keep copies of all medical records, test results and correspondence. This history is vital for your teen's future health care.

• If you are asked by a doctor to agree to medical treatment of your child, you can choose not to. Before making a decision:

  • ask about the treatment’s purpose, necessity, risks and long-term outcomes

  • ask about and research alternative treatments, including no treatment

  • ask about follow-up treatments, including genital examinations and repeat surgeries

  • ask about and research the treatment’s possible effects on your child’s future sexual function and sensation, and try not to make any assumptions about their future identity and behaviour

  • research what human rights organisations and intersex-led groups say about the proposed treatments

  • ask to be put in touch with other people with similar experiences

  • request detailed, written material on all these issues.

It’s really important to protect your teen’s autonomy when it comes to medical interventions. Many intersex young people face pressure to undergo significant and often irreversible procedures to ‘normalise’ their appearance. These procedures can lead to scarring, loss of feeling in and around the affected body parts and sexual dysfunction. 

Those who have undergone non-consensual or irreversible cosmetic medical procedures in childhood may also experience feelings of anger or betrayal towards caregivers and the medical system for violating their bodily autonomy. No one should be pressured into undergoing medical interventions that aren’t necessary to save their life or prevent immediate, serious harm. It’s important that intersex people have a say in what happens to their bodies, especially when it comes to surgery, and this means waiting until they are able to make those choices for themselves. 

People can live happily with all kinds of bodies when they are treated with compassion and understanding. Most of us just need the love and support of our families and friends. 

Other ways to support your intersex teen

Maintain open, respectful communication

If your teen is struggling with their identity, it’s important to listen to them without making judgements and to validate how they are feeling. Ask open-ended questions like, ‘What do you need from me right now?’ or ‘How can I best support you?’ Remember to use the term your teen prefers to use for their body and variation, and don’t share their intersex status with anyone (including extended family, friends or school staff) without their explicit permission. It is their story to tell.

Be an advocate

Many intersex people face significant challenges, including bullying, social isolation and body image issues borne from stigma around their bodies. If you hear people (including medical professionals) using outdated, pathologising or disrespectful language, challenge it firmly and calmly.

Parents have reported being told to hide information about intersex variations from their children and service providers. This can be harmful to your child: it tells them that their body is shameful. Contacting support groups and getting in touch with other people with similar experiences can help you to make good choices about age-appropriate disclosure and medical treatment.

Connect them with mental health support if needed

Intersex teens can face higher rates of anxiety, depression and self-harm due to stigma, medical trauma or bullying. If you're concerned, seek professional help. Look for a mental health professional who is knowledgeable about and affirming of intersex variations.

Help them to navigate school safely

If your teen struggles at school, regardless of whether or not this seems linked to their body, take these issues seriously and seek support. It may sometimes be necessary to disclose some information about your child’s variation to their school. 

Talk about this with your child and help them to practise short, safe responses for when people ask inappropriate or invasive questions (e.g. ‘That's personal’, or ‘I'm just me’). If this feels difficult, consider sending information to the school anonymously or ask an intersex organisation to contact the school.

Services that can support you and your intersex teen

An intersex community is growing in Australia, with regular meetings in most capital cities. Meetings enable people to share their experiences and to support each other. The following organisations can help you to find out more.