Support your teen to come out at school
Coming out at school is a significant decision for any LGBTQIA+ teen. As a parent, your love and support are the most powerful tools to help them navigate potential challenges and ensure they feel safe and confident to be authentic in their school environment. This guide gives you practical steps you can take to help them along their coming out journey.
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Let them control the timeline and process
Coming out is a continuous journey, and your teen's decision to disclose their identity is deeply personal. They may or may not have already come out to their closest friends, other family, or other adults they trust. This process can be both exciting and exhausting, so here are some things you can do to make sure they know they’re in the driver’s seat:
Open a dialogue with your teen about their feelings on coming out at school. Ask open-ended questions like, ‘What are your hopes if you come out at school?’ or ‘What are your main worries right now?’
Affirm their autonomy. Tell them, ‘It’s up to you to decide when the time is right and who you tell.’ Reassure them that they can change their mind at any point.
Let them know you’ve got their back and will support them in whatever they decide.
Prioritise their mental health over ‘protecting’ your teen
Wanting to protect your teen is a natural reaction; you love them and don’t want them to get hurt or face discrimination. However, being true to their identity is vital for their self-esteem and mental health, and suggesting they stay "in the closet" at school to avoid pain is often more detrimental to their long-term wellbeing:
LGBTQIA+ teens who come out at school often report better mental health as young adults compared to those who don’t.
Unfortunately, many teens are bullied for being perceived to be queer, regardless of whether they are or not. Hiding their identity doesn't guarantee their safety.
If your teen decides to come out at school, they have an opportunity to develop a support system of friends, teachers and staff who can help protect them against bullying.
Acknowledge their fears about discrimination (which is a real concern for 75% of LGBTQIA+ teens), but gently emphasise that living authentically is a powerful act of self-care. It might help to brainstorm one or two safe adults at school, like a teacher or counsellor, who they could tell first and go to if they have any problems.
Find out what support your teen's school offers for LGBTQIA+ students
Knowing the school’s policies and support systems will help you both make an informed decision and prepare for possible challenges:
Ask the school office or check the school website for their active anti-bullying and anti-discrimination policies. Does it specifically mention protection for LGBTQIA+ students?
Does the school have an organised group where straight teens ally with their LGBTQIA+ classmates to spread a message of diversity, inclusivity and tolerance? If they do, suggest your teen join.
Do teachers pull up students who use casual homophobic or transphobic slurs (e.g. ‘that’s so gay’)
Are there other students who are out that your teen could talk to? Knowing they’re not alone in their experience will give your teen more confidence.
Suggest your teen meets with a school counsellor, year advisor or wellbeing coordinator before coming out more broadly. This ensures a staff member is aware and ready to step in if needed. Offer to attend this meeting with your teen if they'd like.
The most important thing is that your teen feels safe. If they don’t, then they should wait to come out at school or seek outside community support instead.
Work together and make a plan
Reassure your teen that they don’t have to come out to the whole school at once. Instead, suggest a speed and scope that they’re comfortable with:
Encourage them to start by coming out to a few school friends they trust, to build up a strong support group around themselves first. Make sure to discuss the risk that word will spread, because sometimes you just can’t control who tells who, and they should be prepared for that possibility.
Next, recommend talking to key staff like a teacher, counsellor or wellbeing coordinator.
If, and when, your teen feels comfortable with being out to the whole school, they could tell their friends it’s no longer a secret and they are free to share the news, or announce it on social media (it’s a lot less exhausting than them having to tell everyone themselves!).
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