Help your teenager with coming out
If your teenager has opened up to you about their sexuality or gender identity, it means they feel safe enough to share something deeply personal with you. This is a powerful sign of trust and a good sign for your relationship.
It’s okay if it’s hard for you to deal with at first, or if you’re not sure how to respond right away. The most important thing you can do is tell your teen that you love them, that you’re happy that they feel comfortable talking to you about this, and that you’re open to learning and growing with them.
Why do teenagers need to ‘come out’?
Exploring sexuality or gender identity can be a confusing and sometimes very lonely process. A teenager is likely aware that some people don’t like or accept people who are different. They may be experiencing shame, fear or isolation, and might feel pressure to hide who they are.
By telling someone, or ‘coming out’, they’re taking the first steps in accepting themselves and in taking back some ownership of who they are. It’s often a very hard step for them to take, because they may fear they’ll be rejected or hated for being this way. Your support can make all the difference between them feeling alone or feeling seen and celebrated.
Common feelings parents have when their teenager comes out
It’s normal to feel a lot of different things when your child opens up to you about their identity. You might be feeling:
relieved and proud that they’ve opened up
worried about their safety, or how they’ll be treated by others
a sense of loss if you had different expectations about their future
overwhelmed by the weight of helping them to deal with these feelings
uncomfortable if it conflicts with your beliefs or upbringing.
Many parents ask themselves if it was their fault somehow; were they too permissive, or did they do something wrong? Research shows that sexuality and gender identity are hard-wired from birth – they are simply a part of who someone is. The most important thing is to process your feelings so that you’re able to support your child at this moment. If you need help to do this, you could talk to another adult or a counsellor, or connect with one of the support services listed at the end of this article.
Common questions parents have when teenagers come out
Some families feel they were happier when they didn’t know, like that time was problem-free. Remember: keeping their identity a secret likely caused your teen stress, sadness or anxiety. Now, with your support, they can feel less alone.
It can take time to put it into words and to accept it. Many teens fear admitting it to themselves because of potential negative reactions from friends or family, or because of how they used to feel about the subject. They probably told you as soon as they felt able to.
It’s understandable to feel conflicted if your teen’s identity doesn’t mesh with your beliefs and opinions, particularly the ones you’ve grown up with. Our society says a lot of different things, based on fear or stereotypes. The best way to become comfortable with this truth about your child is to listen to them and to learn more about it. Be kind to yourself, and know that your being open to growing can have a lasting impact on your child’s wellbeing.
Unfortunately, LGBTQIA+ young people can still face bullying or discrimination. It’s understandable to be afraid that your teen may experience rejection or be exposed to violence.
In the end, it’s better that they are supported and accepted for who they are, so that they grow up happy and confident. Your love and support can help to shield them from harm and build their resilience, so make sure you let them know you’re always in their corner.
Anyone, regardless of sexuality, can be exposed to sexually transmitted infections. All teenagers should be taught about safe sex practices, so that they can be safe. If you’re unsure of how to do this, speak with a GP or health service that supports LGBTQIA+ youth.
The golden rule is: don’t tell anyone your teenager doesn’t yet want to know this about them. Other family members may have questions, but your child’s trust in you depends on your being considerate of their feelings and of their right to control how they come out to others.
Ask your teenager who they want to tell and how they want to do it, and how you can help. If they want your help with telling extended family or friends, but you're worried about how it will be received, consider calling or writing to those people beforehand. Let extended family and friends know that they are welcome to ask you anything in private, but that, regardless of their personal feelings, you expect them to be kind and respectful to your child.
Coming out at school is a big decision. Your teen might worry about bullying or privacy, or about how their teachers will respond. Check out our guide to coming out at school for a full breakdown of how to support your child in navigating school life after coming out.
Do’s and don’ts when your child comes out to you
DO:
Tell them you love and accept them exactly as they are.
Allow them to decide how to express their identity.
Use their chosen name and pronouns. If you slip up, correct yourself and move on.
Model respect and set the tone with family and friends. Accept only kindness and respect for your child.
Maintain open and honest communication with your teen. Show a genuine sense of interest in how they see themselves, and in what they are feeling and experiencing. This will show that you are there for them.
DON’T:
Dismiss or deny who they are, or behave in an unkind or disrespectful way. This can damage their self-worth and their trust in you.
Exclude them, block access to their friends, or refuse to talk about this part of their lives. You can’t stop them from feeling this way, and trying to will only hurt them deeply.
Blame them if they experience bullying or discrimination. They aren’t responsible for other people’s actions or beliefs.
Discuss any doubts or negative feelings with them. Instead, talk to another adult, a professional or a support group.
Tell other people if you haven’t asked your teenager for permission to do so. They have the right to decide when and how people find out.
Look after yourself
It’s okay not to have all the answers, or to feel doubts about what your child is going through. Reach out to a trusted friend, therapist or support service. If you know other adults who are LGBTQIA+ or have family members in the community, you might ask them to share some of their experiences with you so that you can learn about it together.
Where to go for support
We have a comprehensive list of LGBTQIA+ support services for your teen over on our Youth site. If you’re after support for yourself, you can contact one of these services:
QLife offers free, anonymous phone and online chat support for LGBTQIA+ people and their loved ones.
PFLAG+ Australia is a peer support group assisting parents, families and friends who have a loved one who has come out as LGBTQIA+.
Transcend Australia provides programs and services for families, parents and caregivers of trans, gender diverse or non-binary young people. Support options include individual and group-based family support, trans youth engagement and advocacy programs, and social events for families and trans young people.
Parents of Gender Diverse Children offers peer support groups and guidance on how to support gender diversity in young people.
Did you find what you needed?
I need to know more - Read our fact sheet about sexuality.