Talking to your teen about toxic friendships

It’s tough watching your teen struggle with their social life. They’re naturally protective of their relationships and often don’t want to think badly of their friends – even when they’re being put down, left out or ganged up on. While it’s hard to see, these are all signs of toxic behaviours in friendships. 

Here’s our guide to helping your teen recognise behaviours in friendships that aren’t okay and supporting them to take action.

Why bad friendships can have a big impact on your teen

Your teen’s friendships are incredibly important to them and have a huge impact on their wellbeing and self-esteem.

Good friendships support your teen’s personal growth, helping them develop social and emotional skills that will shape who they become. Bad friendships, however, can undermine their self-confidence and cause them deep distress and anxiety.

Even the most confident teens are vulnerable. The desire to be accepted within friendship groups can be so strong that many will tolerate bad behaviour to avoid being alone.

Toxic behaviour occurs both online and face-to-face, and the combination can have a devastating effect.

Signs your teen is in a toxic friendship

Keep an eye out for these red flags that point to toxic dynamics in their group:

• Friends behaving in a manipulative or bullying manner, such as blocking or excluding your teen, spreading rumours about them, or pressuring them to do things they don't want to do.

• Your teen seems withdrawn or frequently feels negative about themselves after spending time with these friends.

• Pushing them to partake in risky or self-destructive behaviours, such as drinking heavily, taking drugs, becoming violent or being sexually active before they’re ready.

• Encouraging your teen to be secretive about what they’re doing.

Practical ways you can support your teen

Start a conversation and help them set some boundaries

If your teen is suffering in a bad friendship, knowing that you have their back is one of the greatest protections you can give them. Let your teen know that you understand how important their friendships are, but gently point out that you’ve noticed bad behaviour in their group. This can help them recognise negative behaviour for what it is. 

Remind them that they’re not alone. Encourage them to lean on their support network – you, other family members, and good friends, rather than isolating themselves and trying to cope on their own. If they find talking about it difficult right now or fear consequences for speaking up, be patient and just let your teen know  you’re there to talk whenever they want to.

Support positive connections outside of the drama

Help your teen see that a healthy social life exists beyond the toxic group by suggesting spending time with positive friends away from the usual spots, like at the park, the shops or at home.

Encourage them to do things they enjoy, such as participating in hobbies or sports they love. They could also expand their social circle by getting a job where other people their age work, or by joining a local group or team.

Build them up at home

Suggest some things they can do to help your teen manage the stress and build their self-confidence, such as:

• physical exercise, such as running, cycling or walking

• eating well and getting enough sleep (cutting down on caffeine, sugar and processed food can help)

• mindfulness or meditation, using apps like Headspace or Calm.

Continuously point out the personal qualities and strengths you and others admire in them.

Talk about whether to intervene at school

If the issues are with school friends, reassure your teen that you understand they might have concerns about reporting the problem to the school. If they feel comfortable, suggest that they chat to a trusted teacher, who might be able to handle the situation sensitively so the behaviour doesn’t escalate or cause your teen to lose their friendship group.

If the drama’s happening on their commute, suggest that your teen sits with someone else, catches another bus, or gets some space without making a big deal of it by walking or cycling to school instead.

Discuss how to respond without engaging in toxic behaviour themselves

It’s important that your teen knows the difference between tackling bad friendships and behaving in a negative or bullying way, which can lead to even more friendship problems. Make sure they understand the following:

• Ignoring or avoiding negative friends shouldn’t mean intentionally excluding them or blocking them out. 

• Talking about friendship issues with friends shouldn’t become spreading rumours.

• Standing up to someone should never involve insulting them or calling them names.

Some online strategies for targeting friendship issues can also have drawbacks. Blocking someone might not stop them from using another platform, and turning off your phone to avoid hurtful messages or comments can also isolate you from your other friends and family. The key is to use constructive methods to handle it, instead of trying to get back at them.

Connect them with support if they need it

If your teen is struggling to deal with a toxic friend or needs advice on ending the friendship, these practical guides on our youth site on dealing with a toxic friendship and telling a friend they've hurt you can help them manage it in their own way. If they're over 16, they can hop on to ReachOut PeerChat, a safe space for young people aged 16-25 to chat anonymously with a peer worker about what’s going on with them.